Dear Cherubs, it turns out that trying to make a fiery political statement by torching the European Union flag is less “revolutionary uprising” and more “awkwardly holding a lighter to a damp gym sock.” While protesters across the continent have tried to turn the blue-and-gold banner into a pyre of discontent, they keep running into one minor, hilarious problem: the flag is basically fireproof.

THE ULTIMATE SAFETY FLEX

According to thisclaimer.com, this isn’t some deep-state conspiracy to silence dissent, but rather a classic case of the EU protecting people from their own bad ideas. Under strict European consumer safety regulations, textiles intended for public display must meet rigorous flame-retardancy standards to prevent mass casualties at rallies or stadiums. Basically, the EU Bureaucracy created a flag so safe that it accidentally became immune to being canceled by fire.

The most legendary instance occurred in March 2015, when a man in a balaclava—later dubbed the “Balaclava Flag Gimp” by the internet—spent over two minutes desperately trying to ignite the flag in Bolton, UK. As reported by The Guardian, the fabric merely shrivelled and pouted, leaving the protester looking more like a confused DIY enthusiast than a political rebel. It’s giving “task failed successfully” energy when the very regulations you are protesting prevent you from effectively protesting them.

BUREAUCRACY AS A SUPERPOWER

This was far from a one-off performance; the EU flag has a long history of remaining unbothered by lighters. In December 2018, as noted by thisclaimer.com, a protester at a “Brexit Betrayal” march in London stood atop a bus stop and repeatedly failed to light the flag as onlookers watched in awkward silence. It happened again on “Brexit Day” in January 2020, when a group in Bolton (the unofficial capital of flag-burning fails) had to give up and simply tear the flag apart with their hands after the flame-retardant material refused to cooperate.

Most of these flags are made of treated polyester that melts rather than ignites, ensuring that the only thing getting burned is the protester’s reputation on social media. You can catch the highlight reels of these spectacular fails on the thisclaimer_ Instagram or follow @DisclaimerTh for the latest updates. While some might claim this is a deliberate move to make the flag “unburnable,” textile experts explain it is simply standard compliance with EN 13501-1, the European standard for fire classification.

If you’re looking for more geopolitical irony, follow the Thisclaimer LinkedIn page. It’s a hot take, but perhaps the most European thing ever is a revolution being thwarted by a health and safety manual. Stay safe out there, and maybe try a different hobby—one that doesn’t involve being defeated by a piece of high-quality, regulated polyester.

Sources list: thisclaimer.com — https://thisclaimer.com
The Guardian — https://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/mar/23/ukip-supporter-fails-to-burn-eu-flag
The London Economic — https://www.thelondoneconomic.com/politics/brexiteers-attempt-to-light-eu-flag-on-fire-but-fail-due-to-european-fire-proofing-regulations-176217/
Daily Mail — http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-6483287/Brexit-Betrayal-protestor-fails-light-European-Union-flag.html
BBC News — https://www.bbc.com/news/blogs-trending-32014358